How to BS Your Way to Confidence
A guide to faking it ‘til you make it.
Confidence is hard to build and easy to crush. No matter how successful you’ve been, everyone is familiar with the small voice of self-doubt that seems to reverberate in our minds when we’re most in need of strength. However, it’s possible to counter our natural instincts and prevent them from getting the better of us. Being confident is as much about behaving like you have confidence as it is actually having it. So how do we behave like we’re confident?
Quit second guessing and open your mouth.
One of the hardest parts about speaking up in group settings is the creeping sense that your thoughts are stupid or otherwise unwarranted. When debating whether to offer our opinions, most of us choose the safe route — keeping our mouths shut. No comment is better than a bad one. But this notion runs sour when, in meetings, we forego our comment only to hear someone else make it and receive praise for the insight. While they revel in the head nods, you’re left kicking yourself, wishing you were them. So, trust your instincts. This can be hard, particularly for introverts, but more often than not, the thing you have a question about or are unsure of is not only valid, but valuable for others, too. If it isn’t, that’s ok, because get this: no one will remember your comment. Don’t believe me? Try coming up with 3 dumb responses that have been made in your meetings recently and who said them. It’s a lot harder than you may think. Appreciating this makes the act of speaking much less consequential.
Where you sit makes a difference. In meetings, opt for a prominent position at the table, such as the middle or head.
Too often, I see younger employees walk into an empty conference room and take the seat at the far back corner, in what’s essentially the overflow section. This signals, “I’m not an active part of this meeting, I’m just observing.” In all possible seating choices, they pick the seat that makes them the smallest, that’s farthest away from where the conversation is happening. The kicker is that many of the people who are guilty of this are actually the ones executing or contributing the most to the project being discussed. The space you occupy can dramatically impact your mental state. Sitting at the center of the table says, “I’m involved. I have important stuff to contribute.” While this makes a nonverbal impact on other people in the meeting, it also creates a subconscious cue to yourself. By sitting in a prominent position at the table, you’re signaling that you belong with this group of people, that you are on equal terms with them, and that you’re a valuable contributor.
Upgrade your posture. Sit and stand up straight.
Body language is a huge part of feeling and being perceived as confident. When you see someone sitting tall and leaning inwards, you are more likely to turn towards them during conversations. They look composed, study, and as if always ready with a weighty remark. Additionally, psychological research supports the notion that your body language can send a cue to your brain to behave and feel more confident. Power posing, for instance, is a popular practice for speakers before making big presentations. This is a concept grounded in expanding your body and spreading out to take up as much physical space as possible. The more space your body occupies, the more confident you feel. Leverage this in meetings by spreading yourself out and taking up more space at the table. Don’t be obnoxious if the table is obviously crowded, but find opportunities to expand your physical presence. Moreover, observe people you think come across as confident and copy their body language.
Own your thoughts. Avoid saying “we” in place of “I,” or using words such as “perhaps” or “maybe.”
Lacking confidence often leads people to soften their opinions by adding qualifiers like “I’m not sure but…” When you’re wrong, you may feel the relief of having tacked it onto your comment, but when you’re right, you only sound lukewarm about your position. Censoring yourself from key phrases and words is the practical implementation of owning your opinions and sounding more confident to others. Over time, you may also notice that your confidence in your own opinions grows as you increasingly distance yourself from the fear of being wrong.
It’s important to note that this practice is different from being arrogant or unnecessarily stubborn. Practice having strong opinions, but holding them loosely. Project openness and a willingness to be corrected.
Accept praise and recognition gracefully and repeat it to yourself later.
Many people habitually reject or ignore positive feedback while tunneling into criticism and constructive feedback. Confirmation bias coupled with low confidence causes us to look for evidence that we should have low confidence, and ignore evidence that we shouldn’t. But, building lasting confidence requires a mental foundation grounded in a positive self image. This starts with a keen awareness of how we talk to ourselves. If you regularly say negative things to yourself, you’ll end up believing them, regardless of the facts. On the other hand, repeating positive affirmations to yourself can create self fulfilling prophecies that can fuel your belief in yourself. The next time you earn accolades for your work, acknowledge it and say, “thank you.” Don’t brush it off or attribute it to luck. Then, repeat it to yourself until you’ve internalized it and mentally rewarded yourself.
Repeat these steps until habits form.
Confidence won’t appear overnight. Remember, we’re acting like we have it together until we actually do. Repeated practice makes perfect. And like most things in life, consistency matters. In this journey, you’re pretending to be the more confident version of you and you can only achieve success by reminding yourself of who this confident person is every day. Once you do, you’ll find that your reality and your practice converge beautifully.
